Insomnia

I go through phases with this. I've had a hard time getting any good night's sleep this past week or so. It's aggravating and it's making it hard to function during the day. Last night was better but now it's almost 2:00am and I can't settle my mind down enough to fall asleep so I decided to get on here and complain about it for awhile instead.

Humbled

I was trying to wait till the service was over but my runny nose just would not comply. I ran into the hallway, grabbed the last kleenex out of my pocket and proceeded to blow my nose. In an instant it was apparent the kleenex was too small for the job. I had snot everywhere...my hands, my face...you get the picture. So I bust it to the bathroom. Please God, don't let anyone see me like this! I open the door and there's a woman drying her hands by the sink. We are alone in there. I try to hide my face from her as I run over to grab a paper towel. She starts talking to me...my luck! She tells me she's been wanting to talk to me ever since she saw my video testimony the week before. I turn to look at her and see the tears well up in her eyes as her story unfolds. She tells me of things said and done to her in the past that continue to haunt her present and cloud her hopes for the future. And at that moment I'm no longer thinking about me or worried about the snot on my face. I'm lost in her story, lost in her pain. I look into her eyes and see this beautiful little girl inside and feel throughout my whole being the love God has for her. I reach down and hug her and tell her I'm sorry she had to go through all of that. She thanks me for sharing my testimony and tells me what a strong and beautiful woman I am. I instantly flash back to my runny nose and smile. To think that God would use a nobody like me, snot and all, to reach out and love one of His hurting kids, I am humbled. I am humbled beyond words.

You're Not Alone...

I can't remember a time when I wasn't afraid in social situations. When I was a toddler my Mom use to call me her shadow because I would never leave her side and would always cling to her leg whenever a stranger was present.

In school I had problems speaking up in class and making friends. I didn't exactly know what my problem was but I knew I was different from the other kids and that made me feel ashamed and an outcast.

I was very insecure and unsure of others. As much as I tried to suck it up and be "normal" I never felt like I measured up and my fears would always take over until the anticipatory anxiety got so bad that I could hardly talk to people.

Every time I would attempt to talk to someone I didn't know very well, automatic negative thoughts would start ringing in my head. The conversation I had with myself would go something like this:

"I'm stumbling over my words."
"This person can tell I'm shaking."
"I bet I sound like an idiot."
"What's my problem?"
"Why can't I be like everyone else?"
"Nothing I have to say is important anyway."
"I'm such a loser."
"This isn't worth it."
"I'm better off alone."

I would have trouble doing ordinary things like going into stores and asking for help. Standing in the checkout line and signing my name in front of the cashier would also cause me to be anxious. Making phone calls to anyone other than friends or family was difficult, and the thought of developing further relationships or dating was out of the question. I mean, how could I possibly think I could have an intimate relationship with someone when I could barely say hello to the bank teller or order food in a restaurant?

Struggling year after year with this took its toll on me and I started to really believe and shape my life around the lies I was telling myself. I told myself I was a stupid, worthless loser and there was no reason to hope or dream for a better life. I think the most damaging lie of all though, was I believed being alone was what I wanted. I believed I didn't need people in my life and I was safer staying inside. When the only voice I heard was my own dark thoughts, I lost all perspective on things and slid further into the void of depression.

It wasn't until I became a Christian that I saw the truth about myself. As I grew closer to God, He slowly began to uncover the lies that were so ingrained in me and had defined my life. He showed me that I wasn't worthless and that there was a purpose for all the pain I had gone through. Instead of viewing myself through my flawed perceptions, I started to see myself through His eyes. I was His child and He loved me just the way I was.

I still struggle with my fears and the urge to isolate myself but I've learned that the more I trust God with my life and my social interactions, the less power my fears have over me. Social Anxiety Disorder buried the person who I was truly created to be and now everyday I discover a little bit more of who that person is.

I've chosen to write about this because for the longest time, I felt I was the only one that struggled with it. If you can relate to what I've written, I want you to know that you are not alone and there is hope.

Best Friends

I've worn the same necklace everyday for the last seven years. It's actually two neckaces combined into one and I'll admit, it's rather odd looking. I'll try explain. On the gold chain is a simple gold-plated celtic cross. There's nothing fancy about it but I've never been one to wear expensive or flashy jewelry. Next to the cross is a small "best friends" heart charm. It's one of those charms where the heart is cut into two pieces. You wear one half and your friend wears the other. It's a way to make a statement about the friendship you share and just a way to stay connected I s'pose. Anyway, I bought it as a birthday present for my friend Lynette, many years ago. For awhile, all that was on that gold chain was the cross and my half of the heart charm. A week after she died, I was over at Lynette's house helping her parents clean out the last of her stuff when her mom came in the room with a small box. She had been going through Lynette's jewelry and found her half of the gold charm. She thought it was only fitting that I have it. I immediately added it next to my half on the chain to complete the heart. I've worn it like that for seven years. I've gotten a few necklaces since then but whenever I go to take off the cross-heart conglomeration I just can't do it. I always end up wearing the new necklace on the outside and tucking the other one in my shirt. No one needs to see it anyway. It's just a way to stay connected I s'pose.

2006

Last year was one of the best years I've had in a long time. I'm really looking forward to this brand new year as well....new possibilities....new opportunities to serve God...new friends. It's an exciting time for me right now.

And Life Goes On...

I've been down with a head cold for the past week so there's really not much to write about. My church rented out a theater to see the Chronicles of Narnia movie tomorrow afternoon. I'm really looking forward to that so I hope I'm feeling better by then. Feeling a little stressed about the holidays but I just keep reminding myself that everything will work out and January will be here before you know it.

Daddy

Daddy

Daddy, Daddy
I love you so much!
But why is it
I can look but not touch?

Daddy, Daddy
Why won't you let me in?
I know...
You're drunk again.

Daddy, Daddy
Don't you understand?
You can't hold me
With that beer in your hand.

Tell me, Dad
What did I do?
Why can't you love me?
Why can't I get through?

Did you even want me?
Or was I just a mistake?
Did I shatter your dreams
When you married for my sake?

And why is it my fault
That you're so sad
When all I ever wanted
Was a dad?

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in His holy dwelling" Psalm 68:5

"Let the little children come to me, and do not
hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to
such as these" Mark 10:14

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on
us, that we should be called children of God! And
that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1