Great Weekend

I had a blast at M&M night. I won a $20.00 gift card to Joe's BBQ and walked up and got it on my own this time...yay me! My roommate won a gift card to a food store so we both came out winners. This morning Aaron Jayne, a pastor at the Dreamcenter, spoke at church and did an awesome sermon on how we can all make a difference in life. It was really inspiring.

Adopt-a-Block & M&M Night

Tomorrow's gonna be a busy one. I've got to go pick up some yard tools from someone that was offering them on Freecycle, then head out to the church to do Adopt-a-Block. The guy that started this program at the L.A. Dreamcenter will be with us so that should be cool. Then it's back home for an hour, clean up and head back to the church for M&M Night....Munchies and Movie night. They are turning it into a big carnival-like event with food & games and jumping castles for the kids, and an old fashioned cake walk and a dunk tank where we get to take turns dunking the pastors and leaders of the church. They will be giving away a bunch of cool stuff too. I won four tickets to a movie theater last year but was too scared to go up and claim it so I had my roommate do it. Maybe this year will be different. Then we'll top off the night by watching a movie together. The best part about the event is it's all free. It should be alot of fun and we're hoping alot of people from the neighborhood will show up.

kept in His hands

I had been tossing and turning all night. I just knew any minute the phone was going to ring to tell me the dreaded news that my best friend was dead. Just hours before, I was sitting in the ICU waiting room wondering if this nightmare was ever going to end. She had gone in for a fairly routine surgery procedure but nothing was ever routine with Lynette. Something went terribly wrong and it went unnoticed until the day after surgery when she became unresponsive. She was immediately transferred to ICU in hopes of getting her stabilized enough to run the tests needed to find out exactly where the problem was. But by the worried and puzzled look on her doctor's face, I knew she might not make it that long. "Your daughter's a very sick girl", I heard the doctor say to her parents. Exhausted and distraught, I reluctantly agreed to go home for the night with the promise from her dad that he would call me if there was any news.

As I laid there in bed feeling frustrated and helpless, I remembered what a pastor friend had told me earlier that day. I needed to pray. "You need to talk to God about Lynette...and you need to listen, he said. I was new to this God thing and prayer seemed so mechanical, so forced, but desperate times call for desperate measures so I prayed because it was the one thing I could do. I didn't know what to say and it ended up being a pretty short prayer. I do remember praying that phone wouldn't ring though.

It was about 3:30 in the morning and I was still awake. I had been through some close calls with Lynette before but this was the closest one yet and I was terrified. I had never lost anyone so close to me before. My whole body was shaking. The day's events kept racing through my mind and the fear of that phone call kept building. I rolled over on my right side, squeezed my eyes shut real tight and waited for unconsciousness.

I saw something. It wasn't a dream because I know I was still awake, but I saw it crystal clear inside. It was like a movie playing in my head and I watched it all from a side view. I saw a cupped hand rise up and when it came into my eye view the hand opened up and I saw myself laying in the palm of it. I could feel the hand under me and it was the most awesome feeling. I don't know how long I laid there but soon I looked over and the other cupped hand rose up and into view and there in the middle of it was Lynette laying in a hospital bed. She wasn't in pain, she wasn't distressed, she was just laying there peacefully sleeping. It became clear to me what I was seeing...God was holding both of us. I was in His left hand and she was in His right. And then these words came into my head. I didn't hear them audibly but they were there..."It's under control" and "I wanted you". I didn't know what to think. It's under control. What did that mean? Was He telling me that she was going to pull through? Was she already dead and with Him in Heaven? Why hadn't anyone called me? I wanted you. What did He want me for? At some point after that I fell alseep. The phone never did ring.

Lynette made it through that night and after 94 days and two more surgeries, she was finally released from the hospital. It was touch and go for most of that time in the hospital and her parents and I faced each day not knowing what to expect. I tried to comfort them as best as I could. I didn't tell them or anyone else about the vision I had. I guess I was afraid of what they'd think of me if I did, but whenever some new medical problem with Lynette cropped up, I would tell them I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew it was under control. They agreed, and each time I said that it seemed to bring them peace.

Two years later, Lynette found herself back in ICU for yet another medical fiasco. It was a long drive home from the hospital on the last day I saw her alive. I was upset from watching her lay there in excrutiating pain and I was gripping and twisting my hands around the steering wheel when those familiar words came back to me. I began repeating over and over "she's in Your hands God, whatever happens, I know You're in control". I got a phone call late that night that she had died.

I don't know who you are or what situations you are facing, but I do believe God's holding you right now and He wants you to know you are kept in His hands and it's under control.

Mr. B.

I was looking up some information on the net tonight and ran across Mr. B's picture. He's the head coach for a high school football team. There was a bio under his photo that said he has been teaching for 34 years in the district and he's been coaching for years so he's pretty well known around here.

When I was a Senior in high school Mr. B was my Health class teacher, an elective class I took for the hell of it. I was 17 and my life was out of control then. I was worried sick about my drug addicted boyfriend who was now constantly threatening to kill himself. What made it even worse was I was hiding all of this from my family. It was my big secret and I was feeling overwhlemed by it all. We had been going out for a few years and both of us spent most of that time getting high together but after seeing how the drugs were destroying him, I was trying my hardest that year to stay clean. Needless to say, it was a pretty bad year for me.

One day as I was leaving class and heading to the next, Mr. B followed me out. My guard went up immediately. Teachers had always intimidated me so I tended to keep my distance from them and they generally kept their distance with me too. Mr. B stopped me and asked if I was ok and told me that he noticed I had changed since the beginning of the year. I tried to blow him off by telling him everything was fine. He talked a little bit longer and then gave me that line about how he was there for me if I ever wanted to talk, blah blah blah. I don't remember the whole conversation but at some point I broke down and agreed to meet with him later that day on the bleachers by the baseball field. It was an awkward conversation. I couldn't make eye contact with him so I ended up staring off into the distance. And the whole time I'm talking, he's sitting there listening to me and chowing down on a nice juicy red apple...typical teacher. Funny how you remember those kinds of details years later. Of course, not much was resolved from our conversation. He said he would be willing to talk to my boyfriend and help in any way he could and promised to keep everything confidential but my boyfriend said no. My hands were tied. Still, it felt good to tell someone about what was going on and I spent the rest of the year worrying about him and trying to keep my own head above water. I still didn't trust Mr. B much but as the year went on I realized he was one of those special teachers that really did care and at graduation time, he was the only teacher I wanted to sign my yearbook.

I ran into Mr. B maybe a year or two later one Friday night (game night) at the 7-11 down the street from the school. He was there getting a snack before the game and I had left my boyfriend in the car while I ran in real quick for a sugar fix. It was strange seeing Mr. B again. The conversation was very short with mostly small talk and then it got serious. He asked me if my boyfriend and I were still together and if he was still using and sadly, I had to tell him that nothing had changed. During my Senior year, he had always gently encouraged me to break up with him and that night was no exception. I told him the good outweighed the bad in the relationship. It was a lie I told him and a lie I told myself for five years until I finally ended the relationship.

I never saw Mr. B after that encounter in the 7-11 but I've often thought about him. I've even considered calling him or sending him a letter just to let him know how well I'm doing now and how much I appreciated him taking the time to help me but I always stop myself thinking he won't remember me after so many years have past. Maybe I'll run into him again someday...

Liquid Church

Liquid Church

I found this site through a post on the Head to Christ forums. They have some pretty good audio teachings that seem to be really relevant to my struggles. I also like the fact that I can listen to them through streaming audio on their site or download them to my computer or Ipod.

Adopt-a-Block

Yesterday was the first day of our Adopt-a-Block community outreach. We broke up into teams and each team "adopted" a block near the church. The goal of the outreach is to just create relationships with these people and serve whatever needs they might have, which we hope will have a positive impact on the community. So we went out yesterday and knocked on doors and explained to them our reason for being there and asked them if there was anything they needed done like yardwork or housework. Most people either weren't home or refused to answer the door. They probably thought we were J.W.'s or some other denomination out to convert them. But that's not what it's about. We are not out there to convert them, get them to join our church or ask them for donations. Everything we do is free. The only motive we have is to reach out to them in love, the way Christ teaches us to do. Some teams got some small jobs like pulling weeds for an elderly lady, others simply hung information packets on the doors with a phone number they could call if they needed any help with anything. And the amazing thing was that after we were all done and went home, the church got several calls from people with needs. This was just our first day! It's awesome how much God can use us if we just give Him our hearts and our time. I believe there's alot we can do and the needs are many. We are surrounded by motels that are known to have crack dealers living in them, and many families are single families living on food stamps. My block is an interesting one, with duplexes on one side of the road and manufactured homes on the other. The duplexes seem to have mostly young families and the manufactured homes are mostly elderly people, some are older women who live alone. They tend to be lonely and just need someone to take time to talk to them. Anyway, we want to be a constant presence there so we'll be out in those same blocks at the same time every Saturday offering to be of service.

A Prayer by Thomas Merton

(and let it be my prayer as well... )

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact
that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you. And I hope I have
that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart
from that desire. And I know that if I do
this you will lead me by the right road
though I may seem to be lost and in the
shadow of death. I will not fear, for you
will never leave me to face my perils alone.

from Thoughts in Solitude

I'm here and I'm Listening

A 14 year old girl wrote me recently. She's going through a rough time right now and thought I might be able to help her. I've been through alot of crap in my life too so I thought I'd give it a try. I emailed her back immediately and waited and prayed for her reply. I got an email from her tonight. She was understandably upset. For some reason, she's not getting my emails and now thinks she's writing to thin air and that I'm just another person that doesn't care about her.... If you're out there, please know I'm here and I'm listening....and I do care.

This is the life...

This week has flown by. Work has slowed down so I've spent most of my days surfing the internet and watching movies I downloaded from Movielink.

I also had time to finish reading Blue Like Jazz. I really liked it and I like the fact that the author gave you a candid look at his doubts and fears. It made me think that there was hope for me yet. He's got another book out I want to read called "Searching for God Knows What"....Sounds interesting.