You're Not Alone...

I can't remember a time when I wasn't afraid in social situations. When I was a toddler my Mom use to call me her shadow because I would never leave her side and would always cling to her leg whenever a stranger was present.

In school I had problems speaking up in class and making friends. I didn't exactly know what my problem was but I knew I was different from the other kids and that made me feel ashamed and an outcast.

I was very insecure and unsure of others. As much as I tried to suck it up and be "normal" I never felt like I measured up and my fears would always take over until the anticipatory anxiety got so bad that I could hardly talk to people.

Every time I would attempt to talk to someone I didn't know very well, automatic negative thoughts would start ringing in my head. The conversation I had with myself would go something like this:

"I'm stumbling over my words."
"This person can tell I'm shaking."
"I bet I sound like an idiot."
"What's my problem?"
"Why can't I be like everyone else?"
"Nothing I have to say is important anyway."
"I'm such a loser."
"This isn't worth it."
"I'm better off alone."

I would have trouble doing ordinary things like going into stores and asking for help. Standing in the checkout line and signing my name in front of the cashier would also cause me to be anxious. Making phone calls to anyone other than friends or family was difficult, and the thought of developing further relationships or dating was out of the question. I mean, how could I possibly think I could have an intimate relationship with someone when I could barely say hello to the bank teller or order food in a restaurant?

Struggling year after year with this took its toll on me and I started to really believe and shape my life around the lies I was telling myself. I told myself I was a stupid, worthless loser and there was no reason to hope or dream for a better life. I think the most damaging lie of all though, was I believed being alone was what I wanted. I believed I didn't need people in my life and I was safer staying inside. When the only voice I heard was my own dark thoughts, I lost all perspective on things and slid further into the void of depression.

It wasn't until I became a Christian that I saw the truth about myself. As I grew closer to God, He slowly began to uncover the lies that were so ingrained in me and had defined my life. He showed me that I wasn't worthless and that there was a purpose for all the pain I had gone through. Instead of viewing myself through my flawed perceptions, I started to see myself through His eyes. I was His child and He loved me just the way I was.

I still struggle with my fears and the urge to isolate myself but I've learned that the more I trust God with my life and my social interactions, the less power my fears have over me. Social Anxiety Disorder buried the person who I was truly created to be and now everyday I discover a little bit more of who that person is.

I've chosen to write about this because for the longest time, I felt I was the only one that struggled with it. If you can relate to what I've written, I want you to know that you are not alone and there is hope.

Best Friends

I've worn the same necklace everyday for the last seven years. It's actually two neckaces combined into one and I'll admit, it's rather odd looking. I'll try explain. On the gold chain is a simple gold-plated celtic cross. There's nothing fancy about it but I've never been one to wear expensive or flashy jewelry. Next to the cross is a small "best friends" heart charm. It's one of those charms where the heart is cut into two pieces. You wear one half and your friend wears the other. It's a way to make a statement about the friendship you share and just a way to stay connected I s'pose. Anyway, I bought it as a birthday present for my friend Lynette, many years ago. For awhile, all that was on that gold chain was the cross and my half of the heart charm. A week after she died, I was over at Lynette's house helping her parents clean out the last of her stuff when her mom came in the room with a small box. She had been going through Lynette's jewelry and found her half of the gold charm. She thought it was only fitting that I have it. I immediately added it next to my half on the chain to complete the heart. I've worn it like that for seven years. I've gotten a few necklaces since then but whenever I go to take off the cross-heart conglomeration I just can't do it. I always end up wearing the new necklace on the outside and tucking the other one in my shirt. No one needs to see it anyway. It's just a way to stay connected I s'pose.

2006

Last year was one of the best years I've had in a long time. I'm really looking forward to this brand new year as well....new possibilities....new opportunities to serve God...new friends. It's an exciting time for me right now.