Humbled

I was trying to wait till the service was over but my runny nose just would not comply. I ran into the hallway, grabbed the last kleenex out of my pocket and proceeded to blow my nose. In an instant it was apparent the kleenex was too small for the job. I had snot everywhere...my hands, my face...you get the picture. So I bust it to the bathroom. Please God, don't let anyone see me like this! I open the door and there's a woman drying her hands by the sink. We are alone in there. I try to hide my face from her as I run over to grab a paper towel. She starts talking to me...my luck! She tells me she's been wanting to talk to me ever since she saw my video testimony the week before. I turn to look at her and see the tears well up in her eyes as her story unfolds. She tells me of things said and done to her in the past that continue to haunt her present and cloud her hopes for the future. And at that moment I'm no longer thinking about me or worried about the snot on my face. I'm lost in her story, lost in her pain. I look into her eyes and see this beautiful little girl inside and feel throughout my whole being the love God has for her. I reach down and hug her and tell her I'm sorry she had to go through all of that. She thanks me for sharing my testimony and tells me what a strong and beautiful woman I am. I instantly flash back to my runny nose and smile. To think that God would use a nobody like me, snot and all, to reach out and love one of His hurting kids, I am humbled. I am humbled beyond words.

You're Not Alone...

I can't remember a time when I wasn't afraid in social situations. When I was a toddler my Mom use to call me her shadow because I would never leave her side and would always cling to her leg whenever a stranger was present.

In school I had problems speaking up in class and making friends. I didn't exactly know what my problem was but I knew I was different from the other kids and that made me feel ashamed and an outcast.

I was very insecure and unsure of others. As much as I tried to suck it up and be "normal" I never felt like I measured up and my fears would always take over until the anticipatory anxiety got so bad that I could hardly talk to people.

Every time I would attempt to talk to someone I didn't know very well, automatic negative thoughts would start ringing in my head. The conversation I had with myself would go something like this:

"I'm stumbling over my words."
"This person can tell I'm shaking."
"I bet I sound like an idiot."
"What's my problem?"
"Why can't I be like everyone else?"
"Nothing I have to say is important anyway."
"I'm such a loser."
"This isn't worth it."
"I'm better off alone."

I would have trouble doing ordinary things like going into stores and asking for help. Standing in the checkout line and signing my name in front of the cashier would also cause me to be anxious. Making phone calls to anyone other than friends or family was difficult, and the thought of developing further relationships or dating was out of the question. I mean, how could I possibly think I could have an intimate relationship with someone when I could barely say hello to the bank teller or order food in a restaurant?

Struggling year after year with this took its toll on me and I started to really believe and shape my life around the lies I was telling myself. I told myself I was a stupid, worthless loser and there was no reason to hope or dream for a better life. I think the most damaging lie of all though, was I believed being alone was what I wanted. I believed I didn't need people in my life and I was safer staying inside. When the only voice I heard was my own dark thoughts, I lost all perspective on things and slid further into the void of depression.

It wasn't until I became a Christian that I saw the truth about myself. As I grew closer to God, He slowly began to uncover the lies that were so ingrained in me and had defined my life. He showed me that I wasn't worthless and that there was a purpose for all the pain I had gone through. Instead of viewing myself through my flawed perceptions, I started to see myself through His eyes. I was His child and He loved me just the way I was.

I still struggle with my fears and the urge to isolate myself but I've learned that the more I trust God with my life and my social interactions, the less power my fears have over me. Social Anxiety Disorder buried the person who I was truly created to be and now everyday I discover a little bit more of who that person is.

I've chosen to write about this because for the longest time, I felt I was the only one that struggled with it. If you can relate to what I've written, I want you to know that you are not alone and there is hope.

Best Friends

I've worn the same necklace everyday for the last seven years. It's actually two neckaces combined into one and I'll admit, it's rather odd looking. I'll try explain. On the gold chain is a simple gold-plated celtic cross. There's nothing fancy about it but I've never been one to wear expensive or flashy jewelry. Next to the cross is a small "best friends" heart charm. It's one of those charms where the heart is cut into two pieces. You wear one half and your friend wears the other. It's a way to make a statement about the friendship you share and just a way to stay connected I s'pose. Anyway, I bought it as a birthday present for my friend Lynette, many years ago. For awhile, all that was on that gold chain was the cross and my half of the heart charm. A week after she died, I was over at Lynette's house helping her parents clean out the last of her stuff when her mom came in the room with a small box. She had been going through Lynette's jewelry and found her half of the gold charm. She thought it was only fitting that I have it. I immediately added it next to my half on the chain to complete the heart. I've worn it like that for seven years. I've gotten a few necklaces since then but whenever I go to take off the cross-heart conglomeration I just can't do it. I always end up wearing the new necklace on the outside and tucking the other one in my shirt. No one needs to see it anyway. It's just a way to stay connected I s'pose.

2006

Last year was one of the best years I've had in a long time. I'm really looking forward to this brand new year as well....new possibilities....new opportunities to serve God...new friends. It's an exciting time for me right now.

And Life Goes On...

I've been down with a head cold for the past week so there's really not much to write about. My church rented out a theater to see the Chronicles of Narnia movie tomorrow afternoon. I'm really looking forward to that so I hope I'm feeling better by then. Feeling a little stressed about the holidays but I just keep reminding myself that everything will work out and January will be here before you know it.

Daddy

Daddy

Daddy, Daddy
I love you so much!
But why is it
I can look but not touch?

Daddy, Daddy
Why won't you let me in?
I know...
You're drunk again.

Daddy, Daddy
Don't you understand?
You can't hold me
With that beer in your hand.

Tell me, Dad
What did I do?
Why can't you love me?
Why can't I get through?

Did you even want me?
Or was I just a mistake?
Did I shatter your dreams
When you married for my sake?

And why is it my fault
That you're so sad
When all I ever wanted
Was a dad?

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in His holy dwelling" Psalm 68:5

"Let the little children come to me, and do not
hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to
such as these" Mark 10:14

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on
us, that we should be called children of God! And
that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

Traveler

A few years ago, my friend Steve wrote a book called "Traveler". He's given me permission to republish it on the web. I've created a separate blog for it and plan on posting a chapter everyday. This is one of my favorite books. I hope you enjoy reading it too. Click here Traveler.

Baby

This is Baby. He's a very special cat that once belonged to a good friend of the family. When Sherry died of cancer this year she left behind one lonely and confused kitty. Baby spent some time at my parent's house but their other cats bullied him constantly leaving him scared and traumatized. So, now he lives with me. He's doing really well so far. He's a bit on the skinny side because the other cats would try to attack him sometimes when he ate but I'm hoping he will feel safe now and begin to thrive again.

Jerome

Last weekend's trip to Jerome didn't go as planned, but then does anything? Because there was a forecast of cold temperatures and thunderstorms for Friday, we decided to wait a day and go up on Saturday morning and come home that night. It was still good though. The weather was beautiful and not a drop of rain all day. We did our usual routine...toured the shops and art galleries and ate dinner at the Haunted Hamburger. One thing different this time was our stroll through the scrap metal yard. It all started when Malo was talking to someone in the art gallery about his quest to find more metal garbage can lids for his art projects and they mentioned there was a scrap metal yard about a block down. So we went and well, maybe I need to get out more but I thought it was really cool exploring the stuff people got rid of. I was especially intrigued by this huge pile of old bikes. Malo was ecstatic when he found two garbage can lids. Another man's trash is another man's...artpiece.






Garbage can lid art

He Will Catch You

A two-story house had caught on fire. The family - father, mother,
several children - were on their way out when the smallest boy
became terrified, tore away from his mother, ran back upstairs.
Suddenly he appeared at a smoke-filled window, crying like crazy.
His father, outside, shouted, "jump, son, jump! I'll catch you."
The boy cried, "but, Daddy, I can't see you."
"I know", his father called, "I know, but I can see you."

Getting Away

Got another Cottonwood/Jerome trip planned for this weekend. This time we're taking advantage of having Veteran's Day off and going up on Friday and coming back Saturday. The weather is nice and cool up there so it should be a nice get-away for us. My roommate is going to bring the video camera from church and shoot some video for Malo's spoken word project. We hope to get some footage in a graveyard and some alleys, old buildings, etc. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out with Greg and Debbie while we're up there. They're pretty busy with the group home kids though so we'll just have to play that one by ear.

I think I'm starting to feel the depression and anxiety I get around the holidays. I was thinking back to this time last year and my life was total hell. Sherry was dying, my aunt fell and broke her hip, and my grandmother was in the hospital. It was a really stressful time for me and I think that's where the anxiety is coming from now. The holidays at my parent's house this year will be pretty strange. Sherry won't be there, my grandmother and aunt are both in a nursing home permanently now so they won't be there either. It will just be my parents, brother and I...how awkward. But things are going really good in my life right now and I'm determined to keep my focus on that.

New Beginings

What an awesome day! Two of my friends accepted Christ today. Their lives have been changed forever! I can't wait to see all of the things God has in store for them!

Reasons For Church

On a message board I frequent, someone posted some really good questions about the purpose of church and their role in it. After much thought and prayer, here's what I came up with...

Anyone can "play church" but truly following Christ goes much deeper than that. I believe God never intended for us to do this life on our own. We need people to pray with us and support us in our struggles and celebrate with us in our victories. We need others to encourage us to keep going and we need to be held accountable to each other as well. My pastors call our church a place where "we do life together". It's intended as a place where we can gather together as a "family" and pray and seek God's guidance for our lives, a place where we can belong, and feel valued and accepted, a place where we can sing praises to God together, a place where we can learn to get along with each other, and the one place we know we can go to when we've totally screwed up and know that our church family will still love and accept us and help us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves into. It should be a place where we can hear God's word taught and be able to apply it to our lives and our daily struggles. It should be a place that's constantly moving in the direction God intends. As Christians I don't think we ever "arrive". It's a process, a life-long process. The more we walk and talk with God the more we trust Him and we slowly start letting Him into those dark places in us so He can heal them and He can mold us into the person He intended us to be before the world got to us. The church leaders should be concerned about our spiritual growth and have programs and classes in place to help us in this area and they should help us discover the spiritual talents and gifts God has given each of us so we can use them to do with our lives what God has called us to. Christianity is about loving and serving others so a church should have opportunities for us to reach out and serve our community, local neighborhoods and other countries, not with the willful motive of making these people converts to our religion but just serving and loving others. God converts, not us. We are only called to be God's hands and feet and to show them the love Christ has for them.

The Day I Stopped Talking

I was not happy that day and I wanted everyone to know it. I was crying and throwing a temper tantrum on the floor in the hall. I don’t remember what it was I was so upset about, but I imagine it was pretty normal behavior for a cranky five year old that wasn’t getting their way. Meanwhile, my Mom was in the living room with a friend of hers. She had just bought a new tape recorder and they were having fun listening to music and singing along into the microphone. The music stopped. I continued on with my little tirade. Then I heard strange distorted sounds coming from the living room. I froze. It was me. My Mom had had enough and secretly taped my tantrum. I was confused. I ran into the living room. I heard my cries and my screams. Then the laughing started. They were making fun of the noises coming from the tape recorder, telling me how bad it sounded and that I was being a big baby. And then it became clear to me…They were laughing at me! They were making fun of me! She pushed rewind and played it over and the laughter grew even louder. I was humiliated! I was so angry and embarrassed that this happened in front of a family friend that I bolted out the front door. I think I made a vow that day to never again utter a sound. My voice brought shame and ridicule. My voice was horrible and no one wanted to hear it…especially me.

The Edge

On the edge
Looking down
Wanting to jump
Wanting to drown

This pain is immense
It cuts me inside
Wanting release
Wanting to die

Looking up
I see a nail-scarred hand
Reaching out
To where I stand

The choice is my own
Which way do I go?
Do I have a prayer?
I'm dying to know...

I reach out to You
And in Your arms I lay
Gaining Your strength
To face another day

To eternal darkness
My life, I won't give
You died for me
So I choose to live

I Love My Life!

That's what is written on my T-shirt. They were selling them at the women's retreat and at first I hesitated to buy one. I mean, how many people can honestly say that they love their life? The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that I really do love my life right now. I don't think I've ever been able to say that before. Okay, so details about the reatreat/conference. It was held in Prescott at a hotel and when we got there Friday afternoon they were still getting the banquet room decorated and set up so it looked really nice for the services we had. Friday night's service was great but short and was mainly just a time for us to get acquainted with each other. Saturday my roommate and I drove around downtown Prescott and then went for a short hike at one of the campgrounds. We actually got to see some fall colors in the landscape, something you have a hard time finding here in Phoenix. Saturday night's service was about knowing our true identities in Christ. It was a very powerful and emotional service. It was supposed to end at 10:00 pm but I didn't get out of there until 11:30 or so. Sometimes the power of God is so strong you just don't want to leave. Sunday morning, the last day there, was also very emotional. The surprise guest speaker turned out to be our senior pastor. In his sermon he acknowledged all of the types of neglect and abuse women have had to endure from men, starting with poor or nonexistent relationships with our dads all the way to abusive marriages and relationships. He said that is not what God had intended for His little girls. We were supposed to be cherished and protected. Then he did something that I thought was so cool. He stood there and apologized for every hurtful thing that was said or done to us and he had us close our eyes while he said the words we should have heard from men. It was very healing time of forgiveness for all and a great way to end the retreat. I'm going to try to get an audio file of the sermon and post it here for any woman that may need to hear it.

Thinking Back...

Brian's mom used to come over to our house on the weekends and drink with my parents. Sometimes she would bring Brian with her. He was eight and I was 12. We would usually play a game or watch TV in my room while the adults were getting smashed.

One night, Brian's mom drank so much that she lost consciousness. After repeatedly trying to get her to come to, my parents decided to take her to the emergency room. They left me at home to look after Brian.

He asked me what had happened. I guess I wanted to protect him so I told him she was sick and had gone to the hospital, and then tried to change the subject. He saw right through me. He knew exactly what was going on. He looked up at me and said, "I don't understand why my mom drinks. I asked her once and she told me that she drinks because it makes her feel good, but she always gets so sick." I remember the look in his eyes as he tried to process all of this and I remember not knowing what to say.

Several years later, I was watching the news and saw Brian's house. Suicidal, despondent and very drunk, she had barricaded herself inside. She was armed with a gun and was threatening to shoot herself if anyone came near. Eventually, the police broke in and arrested her, but as I was watching the stand-off I was looking for Brian. I was afraid he might be in the house. Then I saw the camera pan over to the driveway. He was there standing next to his brother and sister. The camera zoomed in on Brian's face and I saw that look in his eyes again. Several years older but still trying to make sense of it all, still trying to figure out what had happened.

I'll never forget that look. Even as I write this I can still see the pain and confusion in his eyes. It's been many years since I last saw Brian. As often happens, we lost touch as we got older. But I still think about him sometimes and find myself saying a quiet prayer for my "little brother".

Headed to Prescott

I'm all packed and first thing tomorrow morning I leave for the women's retreat for the weekend. I'm taking my laptop so if I get a chance I may update this while I'm there.

A Quote I heard Recently

When trust (in somone or something) is lost, fear enters in.

Religion Kills

I never know what to say when someone asks me if I'm religious. I hate that word. Religion to me is about man's attempts to get to God with rules and programs and do's and dont's or man's attempts to play God by gaining power and control. Christianity, true Christianity, is God reaching out to us. It's about forming a relationship with the One that created you, it's about walking and talking with Him everyday, it's about learning to love and be loved, finding out what your purpose is and what true freedom in Christ is all about. Anything else we've made it in the name of religion is just crap. My friend wrote something several years ago about this...

Religion Kills

Isn't it amazing how the human race can twist things that were
meant for good into instruments of evil...Religion has been used to
push extreme political viewpoints, racism, destruction of cultures,
hatred, selfishness and ignorance.

Modern churches are often closed off from the real world. They
have become stained-glass bunkers where people hide from those
in pain. Society is crumbling and the religious system is more
concerned with building programs, choir robes, padded pews and
fattening up their bank accounts.

Televangelists beg for money on TV. They stride across the stage
in expensive suits and preen for the cameras. Christianity has
become an industry where cash is more important than integrity.
This was never part of the original plan. Humans have smeared the
reflection of God with their dirty fingers.

Jesus did not come to promote His books, cassettes, television show
or any of the other commercial junk that has been stamped with a
cross and marketed like products at the mall. Jesus was sent for a
simple purpose. He became our sacrifice for sin. He took our place
on the cross. Because of His virgin birth, sinless life, death and
resurrection, we can have hope, mercy, forgiveness and healing.

The fact that most churches are afraid to go into the shadows to
help the wounded is the exact opposite of how Jesus lived His life.
His friends are hookers and thieves, rejects and misfits. He came
for the broken ones. He loves goths, punks, gays, addicts, hippies,
freaks, alcoholics, convicts and rebels. We're all sick of religion.
It's nothing but a dog and pony show. True seekers are not
impressed. All most of us ever wanted was truth and hope. We
can't find it in a system. We can find it in the person of Christ.
Learn the difference between real and fake.

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