Traveler

A few years ago, my friend Steve wrote a book called "Traveler". He's given me permission to republish it on the web. I've created a separate blog for it and plan on posting a chapter everyday. This is one of my favorite books. I hope you enjoy reading it too. Click here Traveler.

Baby

This is Baby. He's a very special cat that once belonged to a good friend of the family. When Sherry died of cancer this year she left behind one lonely and confused kitty. Baby spent some time at my parent's house but their other cats bullied him constantly leaving him scared and traumatized. So, now he lives with me. He's doing really well so far. He's a bit on the skinny side because the other cats would try to attack him sometimes when he ate but I'm hoping he will feel safe now and begin to thrive again.

Jerome

Last weekend's trip to Jerome didn't go as planned, but then does anything? Because there was a forecast of cold temperatures and thunderstorms for Friday, we decided to wait a day and go up on Saturday morning and come home that night. It was still good though. The weather was beautiful and not a drop of rain all day. We did our usual routine...toured the shops and art galleries and ate dinner at the Haunted Hamburger. One thing different this time was our stroll through the scrap metal yard. It all started when Malo was talking to someone in the art gallery about his quest to find more metal garbage can lids for his art projects and they mentioned there was a scrap metal yard about a block down. So we went and well, maybe I need to get out more but I thought it was really cool exploring the stuff people got rid of. I was especially intrigued by this huge pile of old bikes. Malo was ecstatic when he found two garbage can lids. Another man's trash is another man's...artpiece.






Garbage can lid art

He Will Catch You

A two-story house had caught on fire. The family - father, mother,
several children - were on their way out when the smallest boy
became terrified, tore away from his mother, ran back upstairs.
Suddenly he appeared at a smoke-filled window, crying like crazy.
His father, outside, shouted, "jump, son, jump! I'll catch you."
The boy cried, "but, Daddy, I can't see you."
"I know", his father called, "I know, but I can see you."

Getting Away

Got another Cottonwood/Jerome trip planned for this weekend. This time we're taking advantage of having Veteran's Day off and going up on Friday and coming back Saturday. The weather is nice and cool up there so it should be a nice get-away for us. My roommate is going to bring the video camera from church and shoot some video for Malo's spoken word project. We hope to get some footage in a graveyard and some alleys, old buildings, etc. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out with Greg and Debbie while we're up there. They're pretty busy with the group home kids though so we'll just have to play that one by ear.

I think I'm starting to feel the depression and anxiety I get around the holidays. I was thinking back to this time last year and my life was total hell. Sherry was dying, my aunt fell and broke her hip, and my grandmother was in the hospital. It was a really stressful time for me and I think that's where the anxiety is coming from now. The holidays at my parent's house this year will be pretty strange. Sherry won't be there, my grandmother and aunt are both in a nursing home permanently now so they won't be there either. It will just be my parents, brother and I...how awkward. But things are going really good in my life right now and I'm determined to keep my focus on that.

New Beginings

What an awesome day! Two of my friends accepted Christ today. Their lives have been changed forever! I can't wait to see all of the things God has in store for them!

Reasons For Church

On a message board I frequent, someone posted some really good questions about the purpose of church and their role in it. After much thought and prayer, here's what I came up with...

Anyone can "play church" but truly following Christ goes much deeper than that. I believe God never intended for us to do this life on our own. We need people to pray with us and support us in our struggles and celebrate with us in our victories. We need others to encourage us to keep going and we need to be held accountable to each other as well. My pastors call our church a place where "we do life together". It's intended as a place where we can gather together as a "family" and pray and seek God's guidance for our lives, a place where we can belong, and feel valued and accepted, a place where we can sing praises to God together, a place where we can learn to get along with each other, and the one place we know we can go to when we've totally screwed up and know that our church family will still love and accept us and help us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves into. It should be a place where we can hear God's word taught and be able to apply it to our lives and our daily struggles. It should be a place that's constantly moving in the direction God intends. As Christians I don't think we ever "arrive". It's a process, a life-long process. The more we walk and talk with God the more we trust Him and we slowly start letting Him into those dark places in us so He can heal them and He can mold us into the person He intended us to be before the world got to us. The church leaders should be concerned about our spiritual growth and have programs and classes in place to help us in this area and they should help us discover the spiritual talents and gifts God has given each of us so we can use them to do with our lives what God has called us to. Christianity is about loving and serving others so a church should have opportunities for us to reach out and serve our community, local neighborhoods and other countries, not with the willful motive of making these people converts to our religion but just serving and loving others. God converts, not us. We are only called to be God's hands and feet and to show them the love Christ has for them.

The Day I Stopped Talking

I was not happy that day and I wanted everyone to know it. I was crying and throwing a temper tantrum on the floor in the hall. I don’t remember what it was I was so upset about, but I imagine it was pretty normal behavior for a cranky five year old that wasn’t getting their way. Meanwhile, my Mom was in the living room with a friend of hers. She had just bought a new tape recorder and they were having fun listening to music and singing along into the microphone. The music stopped. I continued on with my little tirade. Then I heard strange distorted sounds coming from the living room. I froze. It was me. My Mom had had enough and secretly taped my tantrum. I was confused. I ran into the living room. I heard my cries and my screams. Then the laughing started. They were making fun of the noises coming from the tape recorder, telling me how bad it sounded and that I was being a big baby. And then it became clear to me…They were laughing at me! They were making fun of me! She pushed rewind and played it over and the laughter grew even louder. I was humiliated! I was so angry and embarrassed that this happened in front of a family friend that I bolted out the front door. I think I made a vow that day to never again utter a sound. My voice brought shame and ridicule. My voice was horrible and no one wanted to hear it…especially me.

The Edge

On the edge
Looking down
Wanting to jump
Wanting to drown

This pain is immense
It cuts me inside
Wanting release
Wanting to die

Looking up
I see a nail-scarred hand
Reaching out
To where I stand

The choice is my own
Which way do I go?
Do I have a prayer?
I'm dying to know...

I reach out to You
And in Your arms I lay
Gaining Your strength
To face another day

To eternal darkness
My life, I won't give
You died for me
So I choose to live

I Love My Life!

That's what is written on my T-shirt. They were selling them at the women's retreat and at first I hesitated to buy one. I mean, how many people can honestly say that they love their life? The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that I really do love my life right now. I don't think I've ever been able to say that before. Okay, so details about the reatreat/conference. It was held in Prescott at a hotel and when we got there Friday afternoon they were still getting the banquet room decorated and set up so it looked really nice for the services we had. Friday night's service was great but short and was mainly just a time for us to get acquainted with each other. Saturday my roommate and I drove around downtown Prescott and then went for a short hike at one of the campgrounds. We actually got to see some fall colors in the landscape, something you have a hard time finding here in Phoenix. Saturday night's service was about knowing our true identities in Christ. It was a very powerful and emotional service. It was supposed to end at 10:00 pm but I didn't get out of there until 11:30 or so. Sometimes the power of God is so strong you just don't want to leave. Sunday morning, the last day there, was also very emotional. The surprise guest speaker turned out to be our senior pastor. In his sermon he acknowledged all of the types of neglect and abuse women have had to endure from men, starting with poor or nonexistent relationships with our dads all the way to abusive marriages and relationships. He said that is not what God had intended for His little girls. We were supposed to be cherished and protected. Then he did something that I thought was so cool. He stood there and apologized for every hurtful thing that was said or done to us and he had us close our eyes while he said the words we should have heard from men. It was very healing time of forgiveness for all and a great way to end the retreat. I'm going to try to get an audio file of the sermon and post it here for any woman that may need to hear it.

Thinking Back...

Brian's mom used to come over to our house on the weekends and drink with my parents. Sometimes she would bring Brian with her. He was eight and I was 12. We would usually play a game or watch TV in my room while the adults were getting smashed.

One night, Brian's mom drank so much that she lost consciousness. After repeatedly trying to get her to come to, my parents decided to take her to the emergency room. They left me at home to look after Brian.

He asked me what had happened. I guess I wanted to protect him so I told him she was sick and had gone to the hospital, and then tried to change the subject. He saw right through me. He knew exactly what was going on. He looked up at me and said, "I don't understand why my mom drinks. I asked her once and she told me that she drinks because it makes her feel good, but she always gets so sick." I remember the look in his eyes as he tried to process all of this and I remember not knowing what to say.

Several years later, I was watching the news and saw Brian's house. Suicidal, despondent and very drunk, she had barricaded herself inside. She was armed with a gun and was threatening to shoot herself if anyone came near. Eventually, the police broke in and arrested her, but as I was watching the stand-off I was looking for Brian. I was afraid he might be in the house. Then I saw the camera pan over to the driveway. He was there standing next to his brother and sister. The camera zoomed in on Brian's face and I saw that look in his eyes again. Several years older but still trying to make sense of it all, still trying to figure out what had happened.

I'll never forget that look. Even as I write this I can still see the pain and confusion in his eyes. It's been many years since I last saw Brian. As often happens, we lost touch as we got older. But I still think about him sometimes and find myself saying a quiet prayer for my "little brother".

Headed to Prescott

I'm all packed and first thing tomorrow morning I leave for the women's retreat for the weekend. I'm taking my laptop so if I get a chance I may update this while I'm there.

A Quote I heard Recently

When trust (in somone or something) is lost, fear enters in.

Religion Kills

I never know what to say when someone asks me if I'm religious. I hate that word. Religion to me is about man's attempts to get to God with rules and programs and do's and dont's or man's attempts to play God by gaining power and control. Christianity, true Christianity, is God reaching out to us. It's about forming a relationship with the One that created you, it's about walking and talking with Him everyday, it's about learning to love and be loved, finding out what your purpose is and what true freedom in Christ is all about. Anything else we've made it in the name of religion is just crap. My friend wrote something several years ago about this...

Religion Kills

Isn't it amazing how the human race can twist things that were
meant for good into instruments of evil...Religion has been used to
push extreme political viewpoints, racism, destruction of cultures,
hatred, selfishness and ignorance.

Modern churches are often closed off from the real world. They
have become stained-glass bunkers where people hide from those
in pain. Society is crumbling and the religious system is more
concerned with building programs, choir robes, padded pews and
fattening up their bank accounts.

Televangelists beg for money on TV. They stride across the stage
in expensive suits and preen for the cameras. Christianity has
become an industry where cash is more important than integrity.
This was never part of the original plan. Humans have smeared the
reflection of God with their dirty fingers.

Jesus did not come to promote His books, cassettes, television show
or any of the other commercial junk that has been stamped with a
cross and marketed like products at the mall. Jesus was sent for a
simple purpose. He became our sacrifice for sin. He took our place
on the cross. Because of His virgin birth, sinless life, death and
resurrection, we can have hope, mercy, forgiveness and healing.

The fact that most churches are afraid to go into the shadows to
help the wounded is the exact opposite of how Jesus lived His life.
His friends are hookers and thieves, rejects and misfits. He came
for the broken ones. He loves goths, punks, gays, addicts, hippies,
freaks, alcoholics, convicts and rebels. We're all sick of religion.
It's nothing but a dog and pony show. True seekers are not
impressed. All most of us ever wanted was truth and hope. We
can't find it in a system. We can find it in the person of Christ.
Learn the difference between real and fake.

Outcast Press

Rollins

Last Thursday I saw a Henry Rollins show. He took the usual jabs at all the political hot topics and talked a bit about Hurricane Katrina and FEMA while praising the private sector for being the real heroes for our willingness to open our homes to complete strangers. Some of his traveling stories were hysterical. I wonder if he's ever been on Comedy Central. He also had some poignant stories about all of the USO tours he's done and about the soldiers he's met. At one point he talked about how now because of the war and all the politics that go with it, America is seen in a bad light in other countries, and that when he goes to these other countries he's automatically judged as this bad person and it's like he has to prove to them that America isn't all bad. In fact, he likes America. I could relate to what he was talking about. I face that kind of judgment practically everyday in one form or another. I wonder how many people in the audience would have judged me if they knew I was a Christian. I bet they would automatically assume I was a bible thumping Bush fan and wonder what the hell I was doing at a Rollins show. Of course, presumptions and judgments work both ways and I obviously need to do some growing in this area too. What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "Christian"?

What Happened to the Weekend?

My weekend went by really quick for some reason. Saturday was Adopt-a-Block. We did alot of yardwork and my legs are still sore from it. The people we meet and connect with make it all worthwhile though and it's so cool knowing that God can use me to make someone's day a little bit brighter. After Adopt-a-Block I went back to the church and hung out with my roommate who was making some videos for the upcoming women's retreat. We lost track of time and were there till after six that night! The sound guy and the worship band drummer were there too doing percussion overdubs for the live worship cd. It was fun to watch them work and hear their progress. That cd is gonna rock! Sunday at church the pastor mentioned me in her sermon (without mentioning my name) about something I had discussed with her a few weeks earlier. I had no idea she'd do that so it really freaked me out. But it was really cool that she did that as one of the things I continually struggle with is feeling that what I have to say is never much importance to anyone.

This Thursday I'm going to see Henry Rollins...yay!!! It's gonna be a good week. :-)

Enjoy the Ride

So I was laying in bed last night thinking about how great the day was and how good things are going for me right now. I mean, it feels like I'm riding this smooth ocean wave high above the problems and turmoil that engulfed me the past few years. No sooner did I have that picture in my head before another one emerged. It was one of fear and terror...Wipeout! My heart pounded wildly. I began to sweat. And the more I tried to stop the anxiety attack, the stronger it grew. My mind played the game of 'what if' it knows so well. What if someone else dies....What if I become seriously ill...What if this is all too good to last? What if this wave comes crashing down? As I cried out to God to give me peace, three words came into my head that I know were not my own...Enjoy the ride.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

If worrying about tomorrow zaps all of the joy out of today then what's the point? Why do I worry about things I don't have any control over anyway? God wants us to live in the moment, to enjoy each day as it comes and trust Him with our tomorrows. This is faith. This is strength. This is peace.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." ~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day." ~ Lamentations 3:22-23 (NLT)

Amazed

Long but awesome day. We had a skeleton crew at Adopt-a-Block so we did a quick check-in with the neighborhood and scheduled any work that needed to be done for next Saturday. Then my roommate and I went to Red Lobster where I ordered my usual chicken fingers dinner...I know it's a fish place but I don't like seafood so don't start with me. :) We both had food coma afterwards and ended up walking the mall in a daze. After that it was back to the church for the last minute preparations for the album recording. The worship team is recording their first live album called Amazed and invited everyone to come and be a part of it. We had a blast! The band was awesome and nobody wanted to leave when it was over. I love this place!

Catching Up

Last Saturday I went up to Cottonwood and Jerome for the day. Jerome is an old mining town that now attracts artists and bikers. As always, I had a great time.





We met up with Greg and Debbie and hung out with them for most of the afternoon. Things are going good for them. Greg is running four group homes now and they are considering opening more. The state sends him boys and girls who have been in trouble with the law or their parents are unable or unwilling to care for them. He's allowed to talk about God with them and even had the priviledge of baptising some of them. Malo wanted to show his latest artwork to a lady we met in Jerome last time. She runs a gift shop but it's more like an art ministry outreach. We walk into her shop and her sister tells us that she's up at the Bug Fest not too far from there. It took me a minute to realize that the Bug Fest was a get-together for owners and fans of VW cars and buses and had nothing to do with insects. No wonder we passed so many VW's on the highway coming up! Anyway, we all decide to go check it out. It was a quite a scene. There were the most psychedelic and eclectic looking buses I've ever seen. People were camping out in them or beside them. It had a swap meet atmosphere with people selling mods and parts for their cars, and other things like anything tie dyed. It took awhile but we finally found our new gift shop friend. We had a nice talk with her. She's really feeling like she's being pulled into underground ministry. We introduced her to Greg and Debbie and they really hit it off. Some of Greg's group home kids are extremely artistic and might have their work for sell in the gift shop. God is good!

In what is turning out to be a tradition, we ate dinner at the Haunted Hamburger. The food is excellent and the view from the restaurant is awesome!

A Servant's Heart

Bobby called yesterday. He's heading out to the Astrodome this week to help out with whatever they need there. Wish I could go with him. If anyone reads this, prayers or nice thoughts for a safe trip would be appreciated.