And Life Goes On...

I've been down with a head cold for the past week so there's really not much to write about. My church rented out a theater to see the Chronicles of Narnia movie tomorrow afternoon. I'm really looking forward to that so I hope I'm feeling better by then. Feeling a little stressed about the holidays but I just keep reminding myself that everything will work out and January will be here before you know it.

Daddy

Daddy

Daddy, Daddy
I love you so much!
But why is it
I can look but not touch?

Daddy, Daddy
Why won't you let me in?
I know...
You're drunk again.

Daddy, Daddy
Don't you understand?
You can't hold me
With that beer in your hand.

Tell me, Dad
What did I do?
Why can't you love me?
Why can't I get through?

Did you even want me?
Or was I just a mistake?
Did I shatter your dreams
When you married for my sake?

And why is it my fault
That you're so sad
When all I ever wanted
Was a dad?

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in His holy dwelling" Psalm 68:5

"Let the little children come to me, and do not
hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to
such as these" Mark 10:14

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on
us, that we should be called children of God! And
that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

Traveler

A few years ago, my friend Steve wrote a book called "Traveler". He's given me permission to republish it on the web. I've created a separate blog for it and plan on posting a chapter everyday. This is one of my favorite books. I hope you enjoy reading it too. Click here Traveler.

Baby

This is Baby. He's a very special cat that once belonged to a good friend of the family. When Sherry died of cancer this year she left behind one lonely and confused kitty. Baby spent some time at my parent's house but their other cats bullied him constantly leaving him scared and traumatized. So, now he lives with me. He's doing really well so far. He's a bit on the skinny side because the other cats would try to attack him sometimes when he ate but I'm hoping he will feel safe now and begin to thrive again.

Jerome

Last weekend's trip to Jerome didn't go as planned, but then does anything? Because there was a forecast of cold temperatures and thunderstorms for Friday, we decided to wait a day and go up on Saturday morning and come home that night. It was still good though. The weather was beautiful and not a drop of rain all day. We did our usual routine...toured the shops and art galleries and ate dinner at the Haunted Hamburger. One thing different this time was our stroll through the scrap metal yard. It all started when Malo was talking to someone in the art gallery about his quest to find more metal garbage can lids for his art projects and they mentioned there was a scrap metal yard about a block down. So we went and well, maybe I need to get out more but I thought it was really cool exploring the stuff people got rid of. I was especially intrigued by this huge pile of old bikes. Malo was ecstatic when he found two garbage can lids. Another man's trash is another man's...artpiece.






Garbage can lid art

He Will Catch You

A two-story house had caught on fire. The family - father, mother,
several children - were on their way out when the smallest boy
became terrified, tore away from his mother, ran back upstairs.
Suddenly he appeared at a smoke-filled window, crying like crazy.
His father, outside, shouted, "jump, son, jump! I'll catch you."
The boy cried, "but, Daddy, I can't see you."
"I know", his father called, "I know, but I can see you."

Getting Away

Got another Cottonwood/Jerome trip planned for this weekend. This time we're taking advantage of having Veteran's Day off and going up on Friday and coming back Saturday. The weather is nice and cool up there so it should be a nice get-away for us. My roommate is going to bring the video camera from church and shoot some video for Malo's spoken word project. We hope to get some footage in a graveyard and some alleys, old buildings, etc. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out with Greg and Debbie while we're up there. They're pretty busy with the group home kids though so we'll just have to play that one by ear.

I think I'm starting to feel the depression and anxiety I get around the holidays. I was thinking back to this time last year and my life was total hell. Sherry was dying, my aunt fell and broke her hip, and my grandmother was in the hospital. It was a really stressful time for me and I think that's where the anxiety is coming from now. The holidays at my parent's house this year will be pretty strange. Sherry won't be there, my grandmother and aunt are both in a nursing home permanently now so they won't be there either. It will just be my parents, brother and I...how awkward. But things are going really good in my life right now and I'm determined to keep my focus on that.

New Beginings

What an awesome day! Two of my friends accepted Christ today. Their lives have been changed forever! I can't wait to see all of the things God has in store for them!

Reasons For Church

On a message board I frequent, someone posted some really good questions about the purpose of church and their role in it. After much thought and prayer, here's what I came up with...

Anyone can "play church" but truly following Christ goes much deeper than that. I believe God never intended for us to do this life on our own. We need people to pray with us and support us in our struggles and celebrate with us in our victories. We need others to encourage us to keep going and we need to be held accountable to each other as well. My pastors call our church a place where "we do life together". It's intended as a place where we can gather together as a "family" and pray and seek God's guidance for our lives, a place where we can belong, and feel valued and accepted, a place where we can sing praises to God together, a place where we can learn to get along with each other, and the one place we know we can go to when we've totally screwed up and know that our church family will still love and accept us and help us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves into. It should be a place where we can hear God's word taught and be able to apply it to our lives and our daily struggles. It should be a place that's constantly moving in the direction God intends. As Christians I don't think we ever "arrive". It's a process, a life-long process. The more we walk and talk with God the more we trust Him and we slowly start letting Him into those dark places in us so He can heal them and He can mold us into the person He intended us to be before the world got to us. The church leaders should be concerned about our spiritual growth and have programs and classes in place to help us in this area and they should help us discover the spiritual talents and gifts God has given each of us so we can use them to do with our lives what God has called us to. Christianity is about loving and serving others so a church should have opportunities for us to reach out and serve our community, local neighborhoods and other countries, not with the willful motive of making these people converts to our religion but just serving and loving others. God converts, not us. We are only called to be God's hands and feet and to show them the love Christ has for them.

The Day I Stopped Talking

I was not happy that day and I wanted everyone to know it. I was crying and throwing a temper tantrum on the floor in the hall. I don’t remember what it was I was so upset about, but I imagine it was pretty normal behavior for a cranky five year old that wasn’t getting their way. Meanwhile, my Mom was in the living room with a friend of hers. She had just bought a new tape recorder and they were having fun listening to music and singing along into the microphone. The music stopped. I continued on with my little tirade. Then I heard strange distorted sounds coming from the living room. I froze. It was me. My Mom had had enough and secretly taped my tantrum. I was confused. I ran into the living room. I heard my cries and my screams. Then the laughing started. They were making fun of the noises coming from the tape recorder, telling me how bad it sounded and that I was being a big baby. And then it became clear to me…They were laughing at me! They were making fun of me! She pushed rewind and played it over and the laughter grew even louder. I was humiliated! I was so angry and embarrassed that this happened in front of a family friend that I bolted out the front door. I think I made a vow that day to never again utter a sound. My voice brought shame and ridicule. My voice was horrible and no one wanted to hear it…especially me.

The Edge

On the edge
Looking down
Wanting to jump
Wanting to drown

This pain is immense
It cuts me inside
Wanting release
Wanting to die

Looking up
I see a nail-scarred hand
Reaching out
To where I stand

The choice is my own
Which way do I go?
Do I have a prayer?
I'm dying to know...

I reach out to You
And in Your arms I lay
Gaining Your strength
To face another day

To eternal darkness
My life, I won't give
You died for me
So I choose to live

I Love My Life!

That's what is written on my T-shirt. They were selling them at the women's retreat and at first I hesitated to buy one. I mean, how many people can honestly say that they love their life? The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that I really do love my life right now. I don't think I've ever been able to say that before. Okay, so details about the reatreat/conference. It was held in Prescott at a hotel and when we got there Friday afternoon they were still getting the banquet room decorated and set up so it looked really nice for the services we had. Friday night's service was great but short and was mainly just a time for us to get acquainted with each other. Saturday my roommate and I drove around downtown Prescott and then went for a short hike at one of the campgrounds. We actually got to see some fall colors in the landscape, something you have a hard time finding here in Phoenix. Saturday night's service was about knowing our true identities in Christ. It was a very powerful and emotional service. It was supposed to end at 10:00 pm but I didn't get out of there until 11:30 or so. Sometimes the power of God is so strong you just don't want to leave. Sunday morning, the last day there, was also very emotional. The surprise guest speaker turned out to be our senior pastor. In his sermon he acknowledged all of the types of neglect and abuse women have had to endure from men, starting with poor or nonexistent relationships with our dads all the way to abusive marriages and relationships. He said that is not what God had intended for His little girls. We were supposed to be cherished and protected. Then he did something that I thought was so cool. He stood there and apologized for every hurtful thing that was said or done to us and he had us close our eyes while he said the words we should have heard from men. It was very healing time of forgiveness for all and a great way to end the retreat. I'm going to try to get an audio file of the sermon and post it here for any woman that may need to hear it.

Thinking Back...

Brian's mom used to come over to our house on the weekends and drink with my parents. Sometimes she would bring Brian with her. He was eight and I was 12. We would usually play a game or watch TV in my room while the adults were getting smashed.

One night, Brian's mom drank so much that she lost consciousness. After repeatedly trying to get her to come to, my parents decided to take her to the emergency room. They left me at home to look after Brian.

He asked me what had happened. I guess I wanted to protect him so I told him she was sick and had gone to the hospital, and then tried to change the subject. He saw right through me. He knew exactly what was going on. He looked up at me and said, "I don't understand why my mom drinks. I asked her once and she told me that she drinks because it makes her feel good, but she always gets so sick." I remember the look in his eyes as he tried to process all of this and I remember not knowing what to say.

Several years later, I was watching the news and saw Brian's house. Suicidal, despondent and very drunk, she had barricaded herself inside. She was armed with a gun and was threatening to shoot herself if anyone came near. Eventually, the police broke in and arrested her, but as I was watching the stand-off I was looking for Brian. I was afraid he might be in the house. Then I saw the camera pan over to the driveway. He was there standing next to his brother and sister. The camera zoomed in on Brian's face and I saw that look in his eyes again. Several years older but still trying to make sense of it all, still trying to figure out what had happened.

I'll never forget that look. Even as I write this I can still see the pain and confusion in his eyes. It's been many years since I last saw Brian. As often happens, we lost touch as we got older. But I still think about him sometimes and find myself saying a quiet prayer for my "little brother".

Headed to Prescott

I'm all packed and first thing tomorrow morning I leave for the women's retreat for the weekend. I'm taking my laptop so if I get a chance I may update this while I'm there.

A Quote I heard Recently

When trust (in somone or something) is lost, fear enters in.

Religion Kills

I never know what to say when someone asks me if I'm religious. I hate that word. Religion to me is about man's attempts to get to God with rules and programs and do's and dont's or man's attempts to play God by gaining power and control. Christianity, true Christianity, is God reaching out to us. It's about forming a relationship with the One that created you, it's about walking and talking with Him everyday, it's about learning to love and be loved, finding out what your purpose is and what true freedom in Christ is all about. Anything else we've made it in the name of religion is just crap. My friend wrote something several years ago about this...

Religion Kills

Isn't it amazing how the human race can twist things that were
meant for good into instruments of evil...Religion has been used to
push extreme political viewpoints, racism, destruction of cultures,
hatred, selfishness and ignorance.

Modern churches are often closed off from the real world. They
have become stained-glass bunkers where people hide from those
in pain. Society is crumbling and the religious system is more
concerned with building programs, choir robes, padded pews and
fattening up their bank accounts.

Televangelists beg for money on TV. They stride across the stage
in expensive suits and preen for the cameras. Christianity has
become an industry where cash is more important than integrity.
This was never part of the original plan. Humans have smeared the
reflection of God with their dirty fingers.

Jesus did not come to promote His books, cassettes, television show
or any of the other commercial junk that has been stamped with a
cross and marketed like products at the mall. Jesus was sent for a
simple purpose. He became our sacrifice for sin. He took our place
on the cross. Because of His virgin birth, sinless life, death and
resurrection, we can have hope, mercy, forgiveness and healing.

The fact that most churches are afraid to go into the shadows to
help the wounded is the exact opposite of how Jesus lived His life.
His friends are hookers and thieves, rejects and misfits. He came
for the broken ones. He loves goths, punks, gays, addicts, hippies,
freaks, alcoholics, convicts and rebels. We're all sick of religion.
It's nothing but a dog and pony show. True seekers are not
impressed. All most of us ever wanted was truth and hope. We
can't find it in a system. We can find it in the person of Christ.
Learn the difference between real and fake.

Outcast Press

Rollins

Last Thursday I saw a Henry Rollins show. He took the usual jabs at all the political hot topics and talked a bit about Hurricane Katrina and FEMA while praising the private sector for being the real heroes for our willingness to open our homes to complete strangers. Some of his traveling stories were hysterical. I wonder if he's ever been on Comedy Central. He also had some poignant stories about all of the USO tours he's done and about the soldiers he's met. At one point he talked about how now because of the war and all the politics that go with it, America is seen in a bad light in other countries, and that when he goes to these other countries he's automatically judged as this bad person and it's like he has to prove to them that America isn't all bad. In fact, he likes America. I could relate to what he was talking about. I face that kind of judgment practically everyday in one form or another. I wonder how many people in the audience would have judged me if they knew I was a Christian. I bet they would automatically assume I was a bible thumping Bush fan and wonder what the hell I was doing at a Rollins show. Of course, presumptions and judgments work both ways and I obviously need to do some growing in this area too. What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "Christian"?

What Happened to the Weekend?

My weekend went by really quick for some reason. Saturday was Adopt-a-Block. We did alot of yardwork and my legs are still sore from it. The people we meet and connect with make it all worthwhile though and it's so cool knowing that God can use me to make someone's day a little bit brighter. After Adopt-a-Block I went back to the church and hung out with my roommate who was making some videos for the upcoming women's retreat. We lost track of time and were there till after six that night! The sound guy and the worship band drummer were there too doing percussion overdubs for the live worship cd. It was fun to watch them work and hear their progress. That cd is gonna rock! Sunday at church the pastor mentioned me in her sermon (without mentioning my name) about something I had discussed with her a few weeks earlier. I had no idea she'd do that so it really freaked me out. But it was really cool that she did that as one of the things I continually struggle with is feeling that what I have to say is never much importance to anyone.

This Thursday I'm going to see Henry Rollins...yay!!! It's gonna be a good week. :-)

Enjoy the Ride

So I was laying in bed last night thinking about how great the day was and how good things are going for me right now. I mean, it feels like I'm riding this smooth ocean wave high above the problems and turmoil that engulfed me the past few years. No sooner did I have that picture in my head before another one emerged. It was one of fear and terror...Wipeout! My heart pounded wildly. I began to sweat. And the more I tried to stop the anxiety attack, the stronger it grew. My mind played the game of 'what if' it knows so well. What if someone else dies....What if I become seriously ill...What if this is all too good to last? What if this wave comes crashing down? As I cried out to God to give me peace, three words came into my head that I know were not my own...Enjoy the ride.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

If worrying about tomorrow zaps all of the joy out of today then what's the point? Why do I worry about things I don't have any control over anyway? God wants us to live in the moment, to enjoy each day as it comes and trust Him with our tomorrows. This is faith. This is strength. This is peace.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." ~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day." ~ Lamentations 3:22-23 (NLT)

Amazed

Long but awesome day. We had a skeleton crew at Adopt-a-Block so we did a quick check-in with the neighborhood and scheduled any work that needed to be done for next Saturday. Then my roommate and I went to Red Lobster where I ordered my usual chicken fingers dinner...I know it's a fish place but I don't like seafood so don't start with me. :) We both had food coma afterwards and ended up walking the mall in a daze. After that it was back to the church for the last minute preparations for the album recording. The worship team is recording their first live album called Amazed and invited everyone to come and be a part of it. We had a blast! The band was awesome and nobody wanted to leave when it was over. I love this place!

Catching Up

Last Saturday I went up to Cottonwood and Jerome for the day. Jerome is an old mining town that now attracts artists and bikers. As always, I had a great time.





We met up with Greg and Debbie and hung out with them for most of the afternoon. Things are going good for them. Greg is running four group homes now and they are considering opening more. The state sends him boys and girls who have been in trouble with the law or their parents are unable or unwilling to care for them. He's allowed to talk about God with them and even had the priviledge of baptising some of them. Malo wanted to show his latest artwork to a lady we met in Jerome last time. She runs a gift shop but it's more like an art ministry outreach. We walk into her shop and her sister tells us that she's up at the Bug Fest not too far from there. It took me a minute to realize that the Bug Fest was a get-together for owners and fans of VW cars and buses and had nothing to do with insects. No wonder we passed so many VW's on the highway coming up! Anyway, we all decide to go check it out. It was a quite a scene. There were the most psychedelic and eclectic looking buses I've ever seen. People were camping out in them or beside them. It had a swap meet atmosphere with people selling mods and parts for their cars, and other things like anything tie dyed. It took awhile but we finally found our new gift shop friend. We had a nice talk with her. She's really feeling like she's being pulled into underground ministry. We introduced her to Greg and Debbie and they really hit it off. Some of Greg's group home kids are extremely artistic and might have their work for sell in the gift shop. God is good!

In what is turning out to be a tradition, we ate dinner at the Haunted Hamburger. The food is excellent and the view from the restaurant is awesome!

A Servant's Heart

Bobby called yesterday. He's heading out to the Astrodome this week to help out with whatever they need there. Wish I could go with him. If anyone reads this, prayers or nice thoughts for a safe trip would be appreciated.

Back to Work...

Had a good 3-day weekend but don't have much to show for it. Saturday's Adopt-a-Block was mostly spent pulling weeds in the neighborhood. Today I went through my closet and gathered up some clothes to donate to the Katrina refugees. The Dream Center is taking in 300 families and most of them will arrive with nothing but the clothes they are wearing. They are scheduled to arrive in L.A. on Sept. 8th. My church is going to help them out by gathering as many supplies and monetary donations as we can. Check out the Dream Center's web page if you'd like to consider donating. They have a list of things they are in need of. We are also going to be sending some donations to a church in Houston we are working with. Phoenix currently has about 500 refugees we are housing at the Coliseum, with more expected to arrive tomorrow. It's really cool to see everyone pull together for these people.

Because I Choose to....

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.

quoted from the Matrix Revolutions

Great Weekend

I had a blast at M&M night. I won a $20.00 gift card to Joe's BBQ and walked up and got it on my own this time...yay me! My roommate won a gift card to a food store so we both came out winners. This morning Aaron Jayne, a pastor at the Dreamcenter, spoke at church and did an awesome sermon on how we can all make a difference in life. It was really inspiring.

Adopt-a-Block & M&M Night

Tomorrow's gonna be a busy one. I've got to go pick up some yard tools from someone that was offering them on Freecycle, then head out to the church to do Adopt-a-Block. The guy that started this program at the L.A. Dreamcenter will be with us so that should be cool. Then it's back home for an hour, clean up and head back to the church for M&M Night....Munchies and Movie night. They are turning it into a big carnival-like event with food & games and jumping castles for the kids, and an old fashioned cake walk and a dunk tank where we get to take turns dunking the pastors and leaders of the church. They will be giving away a bunch of cool stuff too. I won four tickets to a movie theater last year but was too scared to go up and claim it so I had my roommate do it. Maybe this year will be different. Then we'll top off the night by watching a movie together. The best part about the event is it's all free. It should be alot of fun and we're hoping alot of people from the neighborhood will show up.

kept in His hands

I had been tossing and turning all night. I just knew any minute the phone was going to ring to tell me the dreaded news that my best friend was dead. Just hours before, I was sitting in the ICU waiting room wondering if this nightmare was ever going to end. She had gone in for a fairly routine surgery procedure but nothing was ever routine with Lynette. Something went terribly wrong and it went unnoticed until the day after surgery when she became unresponsive. She was immediately transferred to ICU in hopes of getting her stabilized enough to run the tests needed to find out exactly where the problem was. But by the worried and puzzled look on her doctor's face, I knew she might not make it that long. "Your daughter's a very sick girl", I heard the doctor say to her parents. Exhausted and distraught, I reluctantly agreed to go home for the night with the promise from her dad that he would call me if there was any news.

As I laid there in bed feeling frustrated and helpless, I remembered what a pastor friend had told me earlier that day. I needed to pray. "You need to talk to God about Lynette...and you need to listen, he said. I was new to this God thing and prayer seemed so mechanical, so forced, but desperate times call for desperate measures so I prayed because it was the one thing I could do. I didn't know what to say and it ended up being a pretty short prayer. I do remember praying that phone wouldn't ring though.

It was about 3:30 in the morning and I was still awake. I had been through some close calls with Lynette before but this was the closest one yet and I was terrified. I had never lost anyone so close to me before. My whole body was shaking. The day's events kept racing through my mind and the fear of that phone call kept building. I rolled over on my right side, squeezed my eyes shut real tight and waited for unconsciousness.

I saw something. It wasn't a dream because I know I was still awake, but I saw it crystal clear inside. It was like a movie playing in my head and I watched it all from a side view. I saw a cupped hand rise up and when it came into my eye view the hand opened up and I saw myself laying in the palm of it. I could feel the hand under me and it was the most awesome feeling. I don't know how long I laid there but soon I looked over and the other cupped hand rose up and into view and there in the middle of it was Lynette laying in a hospital bed. She wasn't in pain, she wasn't distressed, she was just laying there peacefully sleeping. It became clear to me what I was seeing...God was holding both of us. I was in His left hand and she was in His right. And then these words came into my head. I didn't hear them audibly but they were there..."It's under control" and "I wanted you". I didn't know what to think. It's under control. What did that mean? Was He telling me that she was going to pull through? Was she already dead and with Him in Heaven? Why hadn't anyone called me? I wanted you. What did He want me for? At some point after that I fell alseep. The phone never did ring.

Lynette made it through that night and after 94 days and two more surgeries, she was finally released from the hospital. It was touch and go for most of that time in the hospital and her parents and I faced each day not knowing what to expect. I tried to comfort them as best as I could. I didn't tell them or anyone else about the vision I had. I guess I was afraid of what they'd think of me if I did, but whenever some new medical problem with Lynette cropped up, I would tell them I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew it was under control. They agreed, and each time I said that it seemed to bring them peace.

Two years later, Lynette found herself back in ICU for yet another medical fiasco. It was a long drive home from the hospital on the last day I saw her alive. I was upset from watching her lay there in excrutiating pain and I was gripping and twisting my hands around the steering wheel when those familiar words came back to me. I began repeating over and over "she's in Your hands God, whatever happens, I know You're in control". I got a phone call late that night that she had died.

I don't know who you are or what situations you are facing, but I do believe God's holding you right now and He wants you to know you are kept in His hands and it's under control.

Mr. B.

I was looking up some information on the net tonight and ran across Mr. B's picture. He's the head coach for a high school football team. There was a bio under his photo that said he has been teaching for 34 years in the district and he's been coaching for years so he's pretty well known around here.

When I was a Senior in high school Mr. B was my Health class teacher, an elective class I took for the hell of it. I was 17 and my life was out of control then. I was worried sick about my drug addicted boyfriend who was now constantly threatening to kill himself. What made it even worse was I was hiding all of this from my family. It was my big secret and I was feeling overwhlemed by it all. We had been going out for a few years and both of us spent most of that time getting high together but after seeing how the drugs were destroying him, I was trying my hardest that year to stay clean. Needless to say, it was a pretty bad year for me.

One day as I was leaving class and heading to the next, Mr. B followed me out. My guard went up immediately. Teachers had always intimidated me so I tended to keep my distance from them and they generally kept their distance with me too. Mr. B stopped me and asked if I was ok and told me that he noticed I had changed since the beginning of the year. I tried to blow him off by telling him everything was fine. He talked a little bit longer and then gave me that line about how he was there for me if I ever wanted to talk, blah blah blah. I don't remember the whole conversation but at some point I broke down and agreed to meet with him later that day on the bleachers by the baseball field. It was an awkward conversation. I couldn't make eye contact with him so I ended up staring off into the distance. And the whole time I'm talking, he's sitting there listening to me and chowing down on a nice juicy red apple...typical teacher. Funny how you remember those kinds of details years later. Of course, not much was resolved from our conversation. He said he would be willing to talk to my boyfriend and help in any way he could and promised to keep everything confidential but my boyfriend said no. My hands were tied. Still, it felt good to tell someone about what was going on and I spent the rest of the year worrying about him and trying to keep my own head above water. I still didn't trust Mr. B much but as the year went on I realized he was one of those special teachers that really did care and at graduation time, he was the only teacher I wanted to sign my yearbook.

I ran into Mr. B maybe a year or two later one Friday night (game night) at the 7-11 down the street from the school. He was there getting a snack before the game and I had left my boyfriend in the car while I ran in real quick for a sugar fix. It was strange seeing Mr. B again. The conversation was very short with mostly small talk and then it got serious. He asked me if my boyfriend and I were still together and if he was still using and sadly, I had to tell him that nothing had changed. During my Senior year, he had always gently encouraged me to break up with him and that night was no exception. I told him the good outweighed the bad in the relationship. It was a lie I told him and a lie I told myself for five years until I finally ended the relationship.

I never saw Mr. B after that encounter in the 7-11 but I've often thought about him. I've even considered calling him or sending him a letter just to let him know how well I'm doing now and how much I appreciated him taking the time to help me but I always stop myself thinking he won't remember me after so many years have past. Maybe I'll run into him again someday...

Liquid Church

Liquid Church

I found this site through a post on the Head to Christ forums. They have some pretty good audio teachings that seem to be really relevant to my struggles. I also like the fact that I can listen to them through streaming audio on their site or download them to my computer or Ipod.

Adopt-a-Block

Yesterday was the first day of our Adopt-a-Block community outreach. We broke up into teams and each team "adopted" a block near the church. The goal of the outreach is to just create relationships with these people and serve whatever needs they might have, which we hope will have a positive impact on the community. So we went out yesterday and knocked on doors and explained to them our reason for being there and asked them if there was anything they needed done like yardwork or housework. Most people either weren't home or refused to answer the door. They probably thought we were J.W.'s or some other denomination out to convert them. But that's not what it's about. We are not out there to convert them, get them to join our church or ask them for donations. Everything we do is free. The only motive we have is to reach out to them in love, the way Christ teaches us to do. Some teams got some small jobs like pulling weeds for an elderly lady, others simply hung information packets on the doors with a phone number they could call if they needed any help with anything. And the amazing thing was that after we were all done and went home, the church got several calls from people with needs. This was just our first day! It's awesome how much God can use us if we just give Him our hearts and our time. I believe there's alot we can do and the needs are many. We are surrounded by motels that are known to have crack dealers living in them, and many families are single families living on food stamps. My block is an interesting one, with duplexes on one side of the road and manufactured homes on the other. The duplexes seem to have mostly young families and the manufactured homes are mostly elderly people, some are older women who live alone. They tend to be lonely and just need someone to take time to talk to them. Anyway, we want to be a constant presence there so we'll be out in those same blocks at the same time every Saturday offering to be of service.

A Prayer by Thomas Merton

(and let it be my prayer as well... )

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact
that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you. And I hope I have
that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart
from that desire. And I know that if I do
this you will lead me by the right road
though I may seem to be lost and in the
shadow of death. I will not fear, for you
will never leave me to face my perils alone.

from Thoughts in Solitude

I'm here and I'm Listening

A 14 year old girl wrote me recently. She's going through a rough time right now and thought I might be able to help her. I've been through alot of crap in my life too so I thought I'd give it a try. I emailed her back immediately and waited and prayed for her reply. I got an email from her tonight. She was understandably upset. For some reason, she's not getting my emails and now thinks she's writing to thin air and that I'm just another person that doesn't care about her.... If you're out there, please know I'm here and I'm listening....and I do care.

This is the life...

This week has flown by. Work has slowed down so I've spent most of my days surfing the internet and watching movies I downloaded from Movielink.

I also had time to finish reading Blue Like Jazz. I really liked it and I like the fact that the author gave you a candid look at his doubts and fears. It made me think that there was hope for me yet. He's got another book out I want to read called "Searching for God Knows What"....Sounds interesting.

Bullhorn

I saw this 6 minute video last week at church called Bullhorn. It was about those fire and brimstone type of so-called evangelists who stand on a corner with a bullhorn, supposedly to bring people to Christ and save their souls. The video shows this guy sitting on a park bench addressing Bullhorn guy by looking directly into the camera, and he talks about how Jesus did things differently. Here are some quotes from the video...

"As I get closer, I hear the words 'sin' and 'burn' and 'hell' and 'repent'. And then I hear the word 'Jesus'. And he's got all these pamphlets, and he's quoting these bible verses about the wrath of God, and how if I don't repent, I'm going to pay for it for eternity, and how I might die, I might die tonight! This may be my only chance!"

"Bullhorn guy, I don't think it's working. All the yelling and the judgment and the condemnation, I don't think it's working. I actually think it's making things worse. I don't think it's what Jesus had in mind."

"I mean, that's why so many of us are so fascinated with Jesus, because he never stops insisting that God really, really loves us exactly as we are. I mean, isn't that what draws you to him?"

"Teacher, what is the most important commandment in the Law?" Jesus answered: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind.' This is the first and most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like this one. And it is, 'Love others as much as you love yourself.' All the Law of Moses and the Books of the Prophets are based on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40 (CEV)"

"When Jesus is asked, 'What's the most important thing?' Jesus' response is to love, love God with everything that you have and then love those around you in the same kind of way. Jesus doesn't separate loving God and loving others. For Jesus, everything hangs on these two. And so the defining mark of a Christian is love."

"See, Bullhorn guy, this is why the yelling and the bullhorn are so disturbing to us, It seems like you're just trying to convert people to your religion. Like they're notches on some sort of spiritual belt. But they're not. They're people, they're people that God loves. They're people that Jesus wants us to love. They aren't statistics, they aren't numbers, they aren't possible conversions. I mean, if, if I'm loving someone with an agenda, then it isn't really love, is it?"

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35 (TNIV)"

"So a Christian is somebody who understand this, who understands that people with different perspectives and different religions beliefs and convictions, they're to be loved and respected, because they're made by God, and they're sacred and they're valuable and they matter. God loves the world so a Christian does too."

"That's why the hell fire and brimstone stuff is so dangerous. When you tell me that I should follow Jesus so that I don't burn forever, it sounds like a threat. As if you scare people enough they'll all of a sudden magically decide to love God and follow Jesus."

"Heaven weeps for the creepy people like you, (Bullhorn guy)."

"So may you see that how you love others is how you love God. That's it. That's the way of love. That's the way of Jesus."

You can get the video and a bunch of others on various topics from a non-profit organization called Nooma here http://www.nooma.com

Untitled Audio Post